my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
