Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
