Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
