I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
