You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
