I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
