If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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