how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
