the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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