It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
