Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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