Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
