ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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