my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
