you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
