I wannas sexs uuuuu
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
