I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
A+ Viking dick
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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