Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
