man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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