id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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