I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
