I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
