We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
