Jerry, you need to find god
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
