He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
