It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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