they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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