so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
