I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
