The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
