I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
