I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
