After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
