Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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