I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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