Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
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