glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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