my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
