Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
