My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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