had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
