I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
It's shark week go big or go home
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
