Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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