I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
