the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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