I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
