I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
