U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
