My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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