R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
